I HATE the hospital....

Last Tuesday I went to the doctor for a simple, routine, NST (Non-Stress Test), to monitor the babies for about 30 minutes. Come to find out, not only were the babies moving & shaking (which means they're doing just dandy), but my uterus was moving & shaking too. They spotted contractions & sent me to Labor & Delivery to get checked out. My cervix had shortened to a 2 (it's supposed to be a 3.5) & since they mentioned the contractions, I was by then feeling them. Previously, I had just chalked them up to aches & pains I have had for months now. So...needless to say I started to get pumped with meds & got my first ambulance ride to the University of Louisville hospital where I spent 48 hours in Labor & Delivery hell. I was in pre-term labor & my cervix was getting shorter & they were trying to stop the contractions long enough to get me through two steroids shots to help the babies' lungs. My body did not take kindly to all this attention & neither did the babies. So, after 48 hours of that madness, I was released into the land of waiting. Yep, that's right...waiting.... After being poked, prodded, pricked, pulled, puking, passing out & convulsing in the shakes, I was finally released to the "long termer's floor" where they only need to monitor you twice a day & you get a sterile, boring, quiet, prison like room all to yourself with a TV remote that only flips channels in one direction & 3 square meals a day from the same menu & lots of cups of ice chips & water. Obviously, the babies never came. The contractions continued, just not as strong & the babies were doing fabulous just as they always had been. So, I was in a state of perpetual waiting. At first, I was told I would be here until I was 34 weeks or until the babies were born (I'm 31 & 4 days), then I started to put up a fight. It got me a bigger, sterile, boring, quiet prison like room with a TV remote that still only flips channels in one direction & 3 square meals a day from the same menu & I have now found out I can have sprite, milk or juice & not just water with my ice chips. So, now I get to complain & whine & cry like a baby in a bigger room with the doctor now trying to get rid of me at 32 weeks (which is on Thursday) instead of at 34, but that's only if my doctor at Knox, who has only been my doctor for a 1 1/2 hour 'hash it out about how the military medical system sucks' doctor's appt, will take me back so early. This seems unlikely because at Knox they do not have the facilities to care for premature babies, let alone twins & have stated before that they cannot deliver me there if I go into labor before 35 weeks. But, my doctor here seems to think that if he keeps telling me he's trying to get me transferred back that some how it will make me be quiet. It's working for now...until on Thursday he comes to me & says they won't take me back & he doesn't find it medically intelligent to discharge me when my cervix is so thin & I am technically still in "pre-term labor". At which point, I will cry myself to sleep once again & try to wake up in the morning to look at things in a different light & hopefully find some new twist on how to enjoy my extended stay.

I will not be a devoted wife, mother of 3, pregnant with twins, looking at this free vacation as a time to get away from the chaos of life or as a chance to be kid free for weeks at a time. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT!!! I would rather be confined to my bed at home where I can still grab a kiss from the kids as they run past my bedside or sit with them at night & practice spelling words & oh how much I miss hearing them read to me before going to bed. And I miss snuggling with sweet little princess like Isabelle & talking about nonsensical things that a four year old loves to talk about. I miss telling my husband I love him at that fleeting moment when I happen to feel it stronger than I did the day before. I am going out of my mind here & I want out!!

The sacrifice begins at conception... they keep telling me I should calm down & think about how I'm doing this for the twins & how this is the best place for me to be right now because if anything does happen they can respond at the moment it happens & all will be well, but I don't want to hear this crap right now! I want to rant! I want to rave! I want to be selfish & say NO MORE! LET ME GO HOME! I'll birth them myself & we'll all be strong as ox like those pioneer women who birthed their babies under candlelight with nothing but bowls of hot water & towels. I had my 3rd natural, no drugs, nothing but sheer pain & vivid memory & I can remember how great I felt afterward too. Like a warrior woman with only the entire world to conquer with my newfound strength & pride in being a mother & having done it drug free.

This is crazy talk I know, but that's what blogs are for, to help us get it all out so that we can relax our tired fingertips after spilling our guts on the keyboard & sit back & say.....that felt good...now back to figuring out how to make the most of this personal hell because I AM WOMAN & I CAN FIND A REASON TO SMILE THROUGH ANYTHING & TRULY SOMEWHERE DEEP DOWN INSIDE MAKE THAT SMILE FEEL GOOD.